Stop Pendelum

It's been too long. 4 years and I feel like I'm still in a war zone in my life. Same life, different battles, and for what?! You tell me! I know like was never meant to be easy, but I'm no sure it was meant to be crazy rough. Well, I no longer work for Abilene Christian University, I moved to Austin and worked at Austin Community College, but I am no longer there either. I am living in Dallas with my parents at 30 years old. I hit a brick wall, and not a fake one. I have been going through some interesting tests and trials, and I won't let them bring me down. I was in a pit, but my family and friends have stood by me, some in silent judgement and fear, but they have never left my side and I will be eternally grateful for their love and support. One day, I believe I will be able to tell the world about the intimate details of what life is like, but until then, I'll continue to pull back the layers and find out who I am. Join me if you will. Journey with me if you wish, it won't be easy, but everything is a lot easier when you do things together. Until next time...BE BOLD, BE YOU, BE GREAT.

The Day Our World Stood Still

Have you ever wondered what it would feel like if the Earth stopped spinning? They say we'd all be catapulted sideways and even the oceans would slosh from side to side, but we would not be thrown out into space; half of the Earth would be in complete sunlight while the other half in complete darkness. If this happened, we'd all ask "why?" How would this incident impact us individually? What can we do to help? How can we change what is?

Friday, our world stopped spinning. We held our breath for hours. Sitting. Watching. Waiting. Praying. Friday, we were catapulted from the very place we stood. Friday came and life as we knew it seemed normal. It started out like every other Friday...we got up, showered and got ready for class and work excited about the possibilities the weekend would bring us. Our campus, like every campus was buzzing with the almost tangible electricity only a Friday could bring, but unlike every other campus on a Friday around 3pm, our world stood still and we were thrown from our cars, office chairs, dorm beds, couches, wherever we were at that time by the news of tragedy.

We were thrown, but we weren't hurled into space. We got the wind knocked out of us, but we caught our breath and before we could even think to ask "why", we flew into action. We made phone calls, rushed to be with those in need, updated the world and most importantly we prayed fervently for the all-seeing eyes of God to watch over what many could not see. Within hours we did what we knew to do, what is ingrained in us, we came together as a unifying body to be the shoulder that many could lean on.

There are people that feel the heat of anger and many feel the cold dark shadow of sadness and grief, but whatever you are feeling at the moment know that it will not last always. If you were directly impacted, hear me when I say these days of heartache, sadness, pain and darkness will not last forever. For the rest of us who were indirectly impacted, let us be the jolt that our world needs to start spinning again.

Friday, our world stopped spinning.

Friday, our world was jolted by the outpouring of love that jump-started our world to start spinning again.

Man of Steel

What is a man? Is he physically strong or is he a nerd? Does he shoo you out of the room when its time for the game or does stay at the lab all night studying molecular genetics? Is he your strength or your confidante? I have a hard time believing these are the things that qualify a man, yet that is what we're getting bombarded with these days. Why must it be either or, why not both? Somewhere in the midst of war, economic downfall and the political power struggle we let our definition of a man get skewed by our society's overwhelming need to control what we no longer wish to control. We've become so busy with everything else that our sons, little brothers, nephews, cousins are made to choose how they're going to portray their manliness to the rest of the world. They're made to look outside instead of inside the home.

Since when is a man defined by his suite or his backward fitted cap? Who said physical strength makes you a man, or the ability to quote Shakespeare or the Bible makes you more of a man than the guy who makes his living as a ballet dancer? When did we start letting other people decide what a real man looks like? When did our men stop being heroes and start competing against each other? When did our men start putting themselves in categories; when did that become acceptable? Who decides on what job/career is more socially acceptable for a man as long as he's providing for his family?

Real men do what they can to protect their household (within the legal ramifications of the law), they validate their daughters and nieces so they won't have to find in other places, they guide their families in the ways of the Lord, they make time for the ones they love. Real men are the strong arm to lean on, but are the tender shoulder to cry on.

My real man bares the burden of his brother, walks beside his mate not in front of her. He disagrees respectfully, disciplines with a strong hand and graceful heart, he teaches his children what it is to have an open heart for all. He teaches his daughters that beauty is only skin deep, but the light of Christ shines through and reaches far beyond what looks ever could. My real man prays for the future relationships of his children, he nurtures the relationship he has with his friends, he pays attention to the little things. My real man fights tooth and nail to keep his family cared for and happy. He makes mistakes, goes against the will of God at times, but pleads with a heart of sorrow for forgiveness from God and his family. He never forgets a birthday or recital, he checks for monsters under the bed, kisses me goodnight, tells me everything is going to be ok, and tells me I will be his forever although I am a precious and borrowed gift from our real Father. My real man still kills bugs and listens to me banter about what I want to be when I grow up.

My real man never let society define his manhood, but he took what he learned from his father and raised a pretty decent daughter. My real man is my dad. Tony Frank. Thanks for not letting trends, circumstances, competition define who you are in Christ. Thanks for being my man of steel.

If You’d Hold Still, it Wouldn’t Hurt as Much

Anyone that is a part of the Millennial Generation (if you were born before 2003), the title may sound a bit familiar. Belle said it to the Beast when she was trying to clean his wound after he fought off ravenous wolves trying to eat her for dinner (this is after she ran away from the castle when the Beast screamed at her for going into the west wing and almost destroying any chance he had at redemption by almost touching the enchanted rose). So, now that you know the back-story behind the title, as I was sitting watching the movie for the hundredth time, it dawned on me…this is probably what God is thinking when we continue to operate outside His will or go through life’s growing pains. It hurts, yes, but if we were to be still it probably wouldn’t hurt as much. He instructs us in Psalm 46:10 to do what we find the most difficult, be still.

If you’re anything like me, I move around a lot. It’s sometime difficult for me to be still; I always need to be doing something or I feel like I’m wasting time. I am constantly doing something unless I’m asleep, and even in my unconscious state I seem to be going through check lists, or running through my day, or trying to solve the age old question of what am I going to do with my life; it’s always something. Yet, God simply says, “be still and know that I am God…” It sounds simple enough, right? Wrong! As young adults, professionals, college students, we have this urge to move. But why not, we’re young, ambitious, talented, gifted, movers and shakers of the 21st century, why should we have to be still? We are go-getters, we don’t want to sit back and watch things happen; we want to make them happen. It’s in our DNA, it’s what we were born to do; make a difference, change a life, be a great mind, save a dying planet, educate the ignorant, grow young minds, entertain an audience of millions, sculpt the future, create, mold, live, love, experience, fail, innovate, discover…that’s a lot to expect of ourselves isn’t it? Maybe not, actually it’s not because it’s what we do, but in the process of doing and being great we are also instructed to “be still”.

As generations pass, society has expected more and more of the current generation, which is a realistic expectation, but we have also taken on the task of being not just good, but being exceptional. I'm right there with you. I had a conversation with some good friends and I told them that I had a fear of not being great. My biggest fear is being ordinary, but it’s also not an option for me. We do so much to try and get the most that life has to offer us, but in that we forget to stop and listen to what God has told us generations ago. Sometimes I wonder if it’s meant for everyone to go through such hard times in our lives? I know life wasn’t meant to be easy, but do you ever think we subconsciously make it harder on ourselves by letting our impatience and ambitions get in our way?

My prayer has always been to be great in the eyesight of God, myself and man, I know it is not supposed to matter what other people think because my reward is not on Earth, but in heaven, but I won't lie and say that I want to make a difference and not be acknowledged for it. I want to see my name in lights; I have big dreams, we all do! You all may think that I am being selfish and narcissistic, but we all have the desire to be recognized. Right now you’re being shaped into the person that you are meant to be. So yes, be a trendsetter, inspire the world with your words, carry on a legacy, rip the runway, be a spokesperson for change, leave it all the stage, be illustrious, become the next president, but remember that our growing pains are going to be just that, painful. Yet, in that pain remember what God instructs us to do, and if you have a hard time imagining or feeling the Spirit of God telling you to be still, hear Belle screaming, “if you’d hold still, it wouldn’t hurt as much!”

Rehab

everything seemed to be going in slow motion; i didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. there was no time to react, it was too late to slam on the brakes, no time to think...

shock. anger. helpless. confused. shaken.

the sky is black and my lungs aren't working properly. i need air...i can't seem to remember how to breathe. the flames are excruciating, i have to get out, there has to be a way, i have to find it! billows of suffocating black smoke filled the air. is the other person ok? are they hurt? am i hurt? i have to find help. i have to find the strength, the will.

panic. anxious. neglected. mortified. regret.

my head is pounding, my vision in blurred, i still can't breathe. i need help. i need help. i think i hear voices, has helped arrived? "mallorie, open your eyes, can you hear me? what happened?!" i try to explain that it was my fault, i was going to fast, i thought i knew what i was doing, but everything went black.

am i dreaming? please tell me that was just a really bad nightmare? as i slowly drift back in to consciousness i realize it wasn't a dream. i look around a see how messed i am. i see the damage. it's pretty bad, but it could have been worse. i wonder how the other person was. are they hurt? they are hurt...previous condition; but i didn't make it any better. i made it worse.

head trauma. heart complications. collapsed lung. broken bones. pain. rehab.

how did i let this happen? what was i thinking?! they warned me not to go, they told me it was dangerous. i didn't listen and look where i end up. this is going to take forever. i want to be back to normal. i want to forget what happened, i want to be in any other position but this one. i shouldn't have to heal. i shouldn't have been in this situation in the first place. these kind of things don't happen it me! why didn't i think this through? i'm careful and logical.

stupid. immature. childish. aloof. angry.

rehab sucks. i want to be back to my old self, but it's not happening quickly enough! the bruises were gone, the scratches healed. i don't want to do this anymore. i feel fine.

its been a year. what started out as a joyride ended in flames. i guess you can say i'm still in rehab. i want to go back to how i used to be, before this all happened, before life got complicated, when there was no gray, only black and white.

for anyone else who is in rehab, healing from the pain life has thrown your way, whether self inflected or not, be patient. they say time heals all wounds (unless you pick at them -shawn alexander), but that's only true to an extent. it's what you do in that time that will determine if you will heal or not. life, time, people cannot brake what's already broken. cry, get angry, throw something, but don't stay there! healing only comes when you're ready.

im not there yet. i can still feel the sting. i have scars that will never go away, but the first step to getting where you want to be is deciding that you want to be there. it won't happen over night. i still look back on those days and i get so upset at myself, the situation, but day after day the pain gets a little bit more bearable. soon, im not sure when, but the situation we're (im including myself in this too) in will soon be a memory, and if Christ is merciful to us like i know He is, it will be a lesson learned.

encouraged. loved. broken. sad lifted.

Blackbird

I love Glee, if you've been hiding under a rock for the past year, Glee is a show on Fox that follows a high school glee club and all its drama! Well, they performed Blackbird, originally sang by the Beatles and is a great song even if you have no idea what it means. Let me school you just in case you've forgotten or you don't know...Blackbird was written by Paul McCartney in 1968 in reaction to the segregation and oppression of Black people in the United States at the time. The symbolism in the song is so beautiful and encouraging that it touches me every single time I hear it.

The song i not about a bird flying, but a black girl that is waiting for her time and her freedom; bird was a slang term for girl at the time. The song not only speaks to me as a Black woman, but as a person waiting for their moment to fly and be free. Even if you're not Black or oppressed, this song should encourage you. If you're struggling within your own mind like I have been for so long, or if it feels like life has dumped all over you and you can't seem to see the light..."you were only waiting for this moment to arise." I've been there, believe me and if I haven't someone has. You are not struggling by yourself. There are people all over the world that seem to have everything they could ever ask for, but they are trapped behind the walls of their hearts and engulfed in the darkest clouds of their mind.

Kate Voegele said it best in her song Sweet Silver Lining, "I may be weak, but I'm never defeated, and I'll keep believing in clouds with that sweet silver lining..." You cannot let your situation wheter good or bad define who you are. Define who you are through Christ, not circumstances. I'm not saying you will be happy all the time; I'm not that naive because I've been there. I know loss and pain, despair and grief, I feel like that's been my life these past four months, but you have to believe in the sweet silver lining that God provides no matter how dark the clouds are. You know how on really cloudy night, there are so many dark clouds that you can't see the moon?...that doesn't mean that its not there shining as bright as ever! Even when you can't see the brilliance of the moon, and your days have become nights and you can't see your hand in front of your face, be encouraged, the moon is still there.

I was at church this past Sunday and a minister said even though midnight may be dark, you should rejoice because midnight is the beginning of a new day! I didn't get it at first because you hear that the darkest hours are just before day and that midnight isn't the darkest, the fourth watch of night is and that's where my mind went, but think people...midnight is the beginning of a new day and that in itself is something to rejoice in!!! When you think everyone is out to get you, your family, employer, yourself...remember this...

"fly, fly, fly...you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

Stop This Train

"Stop This Train"

No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train

Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
Don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train

See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

Singing stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

(think I got 'em now)





John Mayer said it best in this song; sometimes we wish we could be younger forever, but we know that we can't stop time or the train of life. I joke about being old because today i turned 25. Sometimes i feel like John Mayer in this song; i didn't want to say i'm 25 because i thought i was only good at being young, but there is so much more to getting older. living, dreaming, loving, growing, experiencing love and loss, laughing, remembering, dancing, getting your fist gray hair, being a part of history is just a few things with getting older. if you're lucky (blessed, i don't believe in luck, but it sounds good) you'll see or feel a life from the very beginning, you'll grow in wisdom and love, find and experience success and purpose.

i have a cousin who can't wait to turn 30 and i admire that and everything else about her, but its awesome to want to get older! Samuel Ullman said "nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. we grow old by deserting our ideals. years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." i think that's an amazing way to look at life. i still get excited when the sun is shining, i laugh when i see a rainbow, i giggle when i see a cute guy, i blush when i get embarrassed and these are the things that will be with me forever because its who i am and age doesnt determine who i am, just how many times ive been around the sun.

there are so many things that come with age and reaching goals is one of them. ive reached a goal i set for myself at the beginning; loose 25 pounds...DONE!! i don't wish to be younger or 17 again, i want this train to go full speed ahead! the Bible says

"to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. (Ecclesiates 3:1-12, KJV)

don't miss out on the Word, it'll bless you! instead of not wanting to get older, feel blessed and privileged that you've been given another year when you've deserved nothing! take hold of the things that come with age. love your laugh lines it means youre laughing, embrace your gray hair, the phaeomelonin is fading and the cells are gradually producing less pigment (dont ask why i know that), etc. the thing we have learned to see as bad or undesirable with age are the tings that tell stories.

let every day become part of the story of triumph for the following generations.