Rehab

everything seemed to be going in slow motion; i didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. there was no time to react, it was too late to slam on the brakes, no time to think...

shock. anger. helpless. confused. shaken.

the sky is black and my lungs aren't working properly. i need air...i can't seem to remember how to breathe. the flames are excruciating, i have to get out, there has to be a way, i have to find it! billows of suffocating black smoke filled the air. is the other person ok? are they hurt? am i hurt? i have to find help. i have to find the strength, the will.

panic. anxious. neglected. mortified. regret.

my head is pounding, my vision in blurred, i still can't breathe. i need help. i need help. i think i hear voices, has helped arrived? "mallorie, open your eyes, can you hear me? what happened?!" i try to explain that it was my fault, i was going to fast, i thought i knew what i was doing, but everything went black.

am i dreaming? please tell me that was just a really bad nightmare? as i slowly drift back in to consciousness i realize it wasn't a dream. i look around a see how messed i am. i see the damage. it's pretty bad, but it could have been worse. i wonder how the other person was. are they hurt? they are hurt...previous condition; but i didn't make it any better. i made it worse.

head trauma. heart complications. collapsed lung. broken bones. pain. rehab.

how did i let this happen? what was i thinking?! they warned me not to go, they told me it was dangerous. i didn't listen and look where i end up. this is going to take forever. i want to be back to normal. i want to forget what happened, i want to be in any other position but this one. i shouldn't have to heal. i shouldn't have been in this situation in the first place. these kind of things don't happen it me! why didn't i think this through? i'm careful and logical.

stupid. immature. childish. aloof. angry.

rehab sucks. i want to be back to my old self, but it's not happening quickly enough! the bruises were gone, the scratches healed. i don't want to do this anymore. i feel fine.

its been a year. what started out as a joyride ended in flames. i guess you can say i'm still in rehab. i want to go back to how i used to be, before this all happened, before life got complicated, when there was no gray, only black and white.

for anyone else who is in rehab, healing from the pain life has thrown your way, whether self inflected or not, be patient. they say time heals all wounds (unless you pick at them -shawn alexander), but that's only true to an extent. it's what you do in that time that will determine if you will heal or not. life, time, people cannot brake what's already broken. cry, get angry, throw something, but don't stay there! healing only comes when you're ready.

im not there yet. i can still feel the sting. i have scars that will never go away, but the first step to getting where you want to be is deciding that you want to be there. it won't happen over night. i still look back on those days and i get so upset at myself, the situation, but day after day the pain gets a little bit more bearable. soon, im not sure when, but the situation we're (im including myself in this too) in will soon be a memory, and if Christ is merciful to us like i know He is, it will be a lesson learned.

encouraged. loved. broken. sad lifted.