Show Me How to Live

you know when you're young and you have these things that you want to do and be when you grow up? back then, they were called dreams and everybody wanted to hear about it; they thought it was cute to hear you wanted to be a firefighter a teacher, a model, an actress and have a spouse while living in the city and raise a family in the suburbs. my dreams weren't quite the same; i wanted to be famous and have my family live in one huge house, travel and be known my millions! either way, as a child your dreams were cute, but know that we're older our dreams have been morphed and distorted into priorities.

now that im almost 25, it seems like a priority to have a great career, be in a meaningful relationship, find peace, be happy and have plans to start a family of you haven't already. instead of the world thinking you're still as cute at that 5 year old who wanted all those things, they now see you as a late bloomer or someone that "needs to get a move on". its funny how society has put a time limit on the stages of life, growth and development. im sure we've all heard this...

(im pretty sure if goes something like this for men and women...i think)

by 15 you have your first job, 16 you have a driver's license, 18 you're dating and in college, 21 you're about to graduate, 25 you're married with a career and enjoying all marriage has to offer with child #1 on the way, at 30 you're thriving, happy and on cloud 9 with a beautiful family, amazing spouse and a career you wouldnt change for the world! At 45, although you may hot a midlife crisis you have your loved ones to see you through, you're fabulous at 50 and loving that youre "over the hill", 65 you're celebrating 40 something years of a wonderful marriage and youre wonderful grandparents that can spoil all of your grandchildren and you retire and enjoy life with your spouse on an island or the countryside until youre called home...this is RIDICULOUS!!!!

if we all lived by this timeline, half of us would be pulling our hair out or banging our heads against a wall because this hasnt or isnt going to happen to us! once society lets us see that its ok if the above isnt your story, the quicker we'll learn to make our own timeline in life. i did, and so far here's what mine looks like: first job at 17 (only because my school require it), 18 go to college (i dodnt really want to go), 20 finally get a driver's license, 22 graduate from college, intern and move back home with parents and get a job in retail, 24 learn to be ok in the place you're in.

while some crazy person decided to show us how to live, they didnt show us how to love, how to cope with the crap that life throws at us; they didnt write a manual on how to deal with heartbreak and the pain of life not going how you imagined it. but someone did, long before what seems normal was ever thought of, there was a manual written for times like this...the BIBLE, its good, try picking it up and reading about how our plans are not God's plans. believe me, it gives you peace when all your friends are getting married, starting wonderful careers, having children, starting blossoming relationships, etc. believe me, i know.

only God himself can show you how to live. everyone will have you going crazy or trying to live up to an unreal expectation, or something that's just not you. dont get me wrong, i have amazing relationships, a beautiful family, a great house; just not in the aspect that others think i should have. all of the wonderful joys that you're supposed to experience in life, you will. maybe not in the way you think you will, but because of that i have a story to tell and i will continue telling you my story as it unfolds. and who knows, things change so quickly, maybe i'll be singing a new tune on the next entry. until then, stay blessed, bless others and bless God.

Push

Ok, so here's what you've missed...i got sick, stopped working out, became slightly discourage, got my courage back, moved to back to Dallas and for lack or a better phrase, gave the finger to the world...in a good way. I'm finally embracing me and doing what I want to do. I understand doing things and not doing things and being careful in order to make a life for yourself and making sure you take the steps needed to have a great future, but in doing that you have to live. I haven't been living for myself, but for everyone else. I have always been afraid of what people will think of me if I do what I want to do. About a week ago my sister told me," Mallorie, every thing we do has a consequence, good or bad." Everything I've done, every choice I've made has a consequence and I'm starting to feel it.

Since high school I've always felt the need to be what other people expect me to be and remained in constant fear that if I wasn't what they wanted me to be, they would judge me. Well, now that I'm almost 25, I don't care anymore. I don't care if you want me to be the nicest, sweetest person you've ever met because I may be that, but believe me, I'm just as sassy as I am sweet; just as bossy and brutal as I am bright. Being what other people want you to be is tiring and I don't have the time. It's all or nothing people, take it or leave it.

There's a sci-fi thriller, Push, that came out last year, I think. It's pretty good. Its about these people that were born with special powers; bleeders, sniffers, watchers, movers and pushers. I guess the most lethal was the pusher because they can push whatever they wanted into you mind and made you believe it. Sometimes I feel like that's what needs to be done. Society pushes everything on us...how we should look, what we should eat, what's hot, whose not, fashion, politics, etc. Well, push back! I've gotten to this point where I push back. I've always been a rebel, ask anyone who knows, but now I'm not just pushing society ( I've always done that), but I'm pushing friends and family, co workers and associates. People will always have this image of who they want you to be or expect you to be; if that's not you, don't let them push into your mind what they want you to be because you'll start to believe it and become it. Push back and make them accept who you are and what you're becoming.

I am a cocktail of some many different attributes (sassy, sweet, love, caring, rebel, party girl, extremist, sports fan, insecure, ghetto, snob, impatient, bossy, etc.) and there's only a handful of people that fully except that with no judgement (thanks Heather and Vonna, L, Joe and Kevin). Every else, well, if I'm not what you want or expect, you'll get over it soon enough.

I'm not saying don't try to better yourself or let others want you to be a better person, but don't change for someone else. If you want to change do it for yourself and accept the help and support from those who love and care about you, but if you truly love who you are and its pleasing to God, make other people see you...DO YOU!

The Little Things

Proverbs 27.

i'm sure my co-workers think i'm the strangest person they know because most days on my lunch i park my car so i can be in the sun and look out over the city. after 19 years of living in dallas, tx (5 years in abilene, tx) i never realized how clear and gorgeous it really is. i sit and have lunch, read a little shakespeare or the Bible, listen to the radio, meditate or doing what's the most difficult, think about nothing. its honestly my favorite part of the day. i've always loved the fall, beautiful weather, football, NASCAR and so many other things i've taken for granted all these years.

i guess you never honestly see what you're taking for granted until its snatched away from you. now, its the simplest things that make me smile. for the last three weeks i haven't had to work on a sunday and i've been able to go to church and be with my family. i've never sought God with so much fervor until i had to leave church for work and my niece cried because i had to leave her and she didn't understand why and that broke my heart. i'd been taking my sundays for granted like i'd always have them and when they were taken away i missed them more than anything. it was the same thing with working out, i didn't miss it while i could still get up and get my sexy on, but when i couldn't workout for almost 2 weeks i thought i would go crazy.

this summer i had a friend to ask me what made me happy and i told him white butterflies (i totally took this question out of context). but i realized its the simple things that we look over. proverbs 27 talks about not talking about tomorrow because we don't know anything about it and how sweet friendships are refreshing to the soul. after i read that passage i made a list of the smallest and not so small things that i take for granted daily and here's a little sample of what i came up with:

sunday afternoon lunch with my family
meaningful friendships
a hug from my niece
a txt from a friend
good advice from my sister
laughing
sunshine
my health
my job (although its not my dream career)
my gifts and talents
freedom
movement
love
peace of mind
hearing the laughter of children
my sister being proud of me
my mom wanting to spend time with me
an encouraging word from my dad


this isn't half of the little things i'd forgotten to be grateful for; these are just the things that were taken away from me or i'd lost because of arrogance. please remember the simple things, the small things that seem minute and insignificant. whether you're rushing though your day like me or having a beautiful lax friday, remember something that you make take for granted, stop and say a simple prayer of thanks to the one who allowed it to be. take heart and remind yourself that these subtle notes in between the loud noises are what makes life so much better.

What If

i'm not the biggest fan of romantic comedies, but sometimes i break down and i'll watch one. well, i did. i watched Letters to Juliet the other night, and for anyone who loves with romantic comedies, this one was pretty good. i hate to spoil a piece of the movie, but Amanda Seyfried's character Sophie says, "What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life..."

i love that quote because sometimes i feel like i live a life filled with "what ifs". i think about how different life could have been for me if i would have not been so cautious, said "i love you" more, hugged someone longer, kept my mouth closed, i could go on and on. i try not to live in "what ifs" anymore because they do haunt you and i don't want to look back on my life 20 years from now and wonder "what if".

i've been told that i'm a bit bold, but i don't think i'm bold enough, be bold. don't let fear keep you from what could be yours. you don't want to look back and regret not starting your business, writing a book, telling him or her you like them, going to grad school, taking a dance class, making life too serious or not taking it serious enough, overlooking the simple things in life, etc. please be smart, don't go crazy making your life difficult or someone else's life difficult. pray and be bold.

every situation may not turn out the way you want it to, believe me it won't, but you won't regret doing or saying what will keep life adventurous, spontaneous and fun. don't get me wrong i am very logical and realistic, but i have my moments when i'm an idealist. i know that life isn't all fun and games, but enjoy it while you can. sometimes i look at my friends and peers and feel like i should be at a different place in my life with an amazing job, in a relationship, getting my master's, travelling, starting a family but i had to realize that's not where i'm supposed to be. you are where you're supposed to be at this very moment in your life. where you are is not a mistake. don't use your friends and/or family as a measuring stick for your life's success. it took me over a year to learn that lesson, but i get it now.

let's not be so wrapped up in what we think we should be doing. let go, try something different, learn a new language, learn to dance, go on an adventure, play in the rain, read a book, fall in love, whatever it is (make sure its legal) do it and have fun and take someone with you! don't let the "what if" of life haunt you.


be bold. think bold. live bold.

If Music be the Food of Love, Play On

knowing me, you know that i'm a skeptic and a realist; some may think that i am a pessimist, but i know better. i wish i could believe in the one thing that so many people base their lives on, what little girls dream about, what women pray for and what men secretly long for, love. well, i guess i shouldn't say i don't believe in love because i do. love literally saved the world and i will forever believe in the love that saved a dying race and a world that was and is swimming in a cesspool of sin.

but the love i speak of is one that is said to make you do crazy things, lift you up where one belongs, makes you act foolish, blah, blah blah!!!! i'm not sure what makes me so cynical about what i have seen for the last 24 years. my parents have been married for 25 years and have known each other for about 30 years and they love each other and will continue to love each other until they're dying day, but i don't get it.

i want to understand, and i've had conversations with friends and family and i want to believe in happy endings, but i'm not sure if i do. the worst part about it is i've seen it, i live in the house with it and i see it all the time. will all the great love stories written from Romeo and Juliet to Edward and Bella i can't seem to find the connection.

i have my moments, although not very often, where i wish i were riding through Tuscany with the wind in my hair, without a care in the world and with the love of my life. then reality sets in. i want to believe in epic love, that which surpasses time and space, a love that reaches from heart to heart, one that lives on forever.

i wonder where my cynicism comes from? only God knows, but i believe one day this cynical girl with a heart for people will truly believe and have a heart for love. but until then, i will leave you with the words from histories great storyteller, William Shakespeare:

"Doubt that the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move his aides, Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love "

Great Expectations

For the past year or so I've felt as if I've done a lot of maturing; probably not as much or as fast I should have, but maturing nonetheless. I've always had these little saying that I keep close because they keep out the hurt, whether you think it be good or bad, it helps me. One has and will always be, "expect nothing". You may think it to be harsh, but I've always felt that if you don't expect anything from anyone then you can't get hurt and you won't be disappointed.

You can only get disappointed so many times before it becomes too much, and that's when I decided to "expect nothing", from other people.Once you get in your mind what you expect someone to do or say that's when things become complicated when they don;t have to be. If you expect someone to say something a certain way or behave or certain way and it doesn't happen like you expect it to, you've just made something simple into something complicated, in my opinion of course.

I'm learning to expect great things from myself and what I think is impossible from God. He can do, with our belief and faith, what we see as impossible and that's what's so awesome about God. I guess you can say I forgot my little saying these past few months and I started expecting things from people and like always got my feelings hurt. But, I've come to my senses and believe that everything I need from comfort from sadness to company from loneliness, I expect from the one who see and knows all.

Expect greatness from yourself and great things from Christ. People will let you down; its human nature, but He doesn't know how to fail not will He let you down. I have set a goal for myself beside on continuing to work on myself from the inside out, but to loose 25 pounds by the time I turn 25 (if it be His will). It can be done, and while I take on what seems like a crazy goal I believe God will increase my testimony. God will bless your ministry and your efforts, but we must never forget to worship Him in spirit and in truth which is the least we can do.

What will you expect from yourself? What will you expect from God on this week?

Born For This

If you ever wonder why you're at a certain place in your life or why you were created in the first place, other than to glorify God with your very existence, I think I have an answer...you were born for whatever you're doing right now!Right now, I'm having a difficult time with my career path and trying to figure out the timeline in which God wants me to follow, I'm learning patience and sacrifice and I'm trying to be an inspiration to others by being as open and honest as possible so people know they're not alone. So, if you're wondering why things are going absolutely spectacular or you feel like you're on a downward spiral in your life...YOU WERE BORN FOR THIS!!!

Your life, your existence, your raison d'etre is for this very moment! The struggles, the heartaches, the feeling your life is a sucking black hole, your joys, inspirations, light bulb moments, your fears and aspirations, the good, the bad and the indifferent all serve a purpose in your life. You were born for these moments, you were born to tell your story.

I graduated from ACU (pretty awesome place is I can say so myself), but today in chapel they or we (I watched online) had the honor of being blessed by Blake Mycoskie, Chief Shoe Giver and founder of TOMS shoes, and a very smart, savvy businessman. While I was listening to him speak and being inspired I was thinking that everything that went on in his life, being on The Amazing Race, starting his own online driver's ed program, becoming exhausted and going to Argentina, being in the cafe' at the right time, all these things were meant to happen so he could start a company that would change not only his life, or the people who received shoes, but every detail small or large was meant to happen so he could change the world! He didn't and couldn't do it alone and I'm sure he'd tell you that, but he was born for what he is doing right now!

OK, so many of us won't impact the entire world with the events that are happening in our lives, but scale it down a little; your story, your life may inspire one person, or spark an idea or simply out a smile on someone's, but your story may change their world. When I start thinking that my life is a little less than ordinary and there's nothing special about who I am, I think of my Creator and I force myself to remember that no accidents were made when I was created, I am not a mishap. Everything that I am doing and going through now, I was born to do!

Not Forgotten

Have you ever felt like through the hustle and craziness of life, you've somehow faded into the background, like you're screaming to the top of your lung in a room full of people but no one hears you?

Sometimes I feel as if no one can see me or has time for me, but then I remember that God has not forgotten me; even if my friends or family don't have time, He always has time and sees me. I am not forgotten.

I was talking to a good friend yesterday and seemed a bit discouraged about her job, and I as told her, I had to remember myself that when you see your friends and people around you getting the things they want and receiving favor from God, we mustn't feel bad or angry, but remember that it's not your season.

When you feel like you're getting passed over or you're stuck in a rut, believe and remember that God has not forgotten about you, although you are one in billions, He knows your name and is willing and ready to be there for you just be patient.

Giants

i haven't workout out in a few days, i guess i'd gotten myself into a funk about things in life that don't really matter. I think I'm getting to a point where i'm realizing that if i'm worried about it, i'm not praying about it. it was my day off so i got out of "chill mode" and worked out for 2 hours and i feel great. i decided that working out is something i enjoy doing because i don't really have to think or worry or be concerned with anything. who would have thought that someone like me would enjoy working out!?

so, i was out walking/jogging and there's a small incline on the path that i walk, nothing really to be concerned about but i always run the decline, because its easy. well, today i decided that i would try to conquer this incline (my giant) and WOW, i didn't make all the way up before i stopped running. i thought i was dying!!i was at the point where my mouth was open, my side was hurting and i thought i would pass out in the middle of the street!

there are giants in everyone's life, even if you think it may be insignificant to others, it could be a big thing for you to overcome. i always tell people if its a problem for you, then its a problem no matter how big or small other people may think. i giants on a daily basis; looking at myself in the mirror trying to see what my family sees and what people see in me, accepting that i am in the place in my life for a reason, cleaning my room, eating right, etc. these are giants for me.

Donald Lawrence has a song called "Giants" and i love it because it speaks to every situation in anyone's life. The like to the lyrics are below, but it simply says that giants do die, the bigger they are the harder they fall. be encouraged by those words, i am. whatever your giant is /are know that if and when you pray they'll fall; whether its pushing yourself to do homework, if you're looking for a new job, trying to fix a broken relationship, getting used to a new lifestyle or finding the will to get out of bed in the morning, know that your giants will fall and it will get easier daily until you've conquered your giants. What giant will you try to conquer in the coming days/weeks?

Giants, by Donald Lawrence
http://www.lyriczz.com/lyrics/donald-lawrence/36581-giants/

Start With God

Yesterday was not the best day at all, neither was last night. The only thing I enjoyed was my workout and my time with God; I guess that's the only thing that really matters, in hindsight, anything that we enjoy in our life is a blessing. Last night was rough, I didn't sleep well and my dreams were scary and outrageous so I couldn't wait for morning. I've been having nightmares for the past couple of months, so I talked to my dad about it and he asked me, "do you ask God to come into your dreams?". I tried it last night and no, my nightmares didn't end, but when I woke up, I turned over and grabbed my Bible. I started with God.

" Start with God-the first step in learning is bowing down to God; only fools thumb there noses at such wisdom and learning." (Proverbs 1:7, The Message)I think once we learn how to start our day, whether things go your way or not, we will have peace at the end of the day. I'm not saying that everyday we have to wake up and read our Bible for hours at a time, but the least we can do is give thanks for another morning and recognize it was Christ that woke us up, not our alarm clock, the buzzing of our cell phone, the dogs barking or the cries of our baby.

Our lives are so busy with work, school, family and so many other things that can easily move our focus from what matters most-God. Starting with God on a daily basis will always have its benefits. I was able to run a little bit longer, workout a little harder, not by my own strength, but by the strength of our Lord. Start with God today in everything you do.

Commit Thy Way

So, I guess you can say I have commitment issues. It's always been difficult for me to stay with something without getting bored. I've tried quite a few things in my 24 years; I've played the piano, cello, I was a cosmetologist, a college student...I could keep going, but let's say the only thing I've ever finished was college.There are tons of things that I like to do, but I quickly level out and get bored. Like I said, commitment issues! After talking to my dad, I realized my commitment problems and I prayed about it, and this is what I was told in a roundabout way, "commit thy way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass." (Psalm 37:5).

So, I woke up late this morning to rain and dark clouds. For those who know me or not, please understand that rain is not my thing. I don't really like it unless I'm sitting on the couch with a book or watching a movie, wrapped in a blanket with nowhere to go.I didn't want to do or go anywhere this morning. I work in retail so I work at night and I usually get home around 10 or 11pm every night and I'm up for while after that so getting up in the morning is a huge sacrifice, plus a lot of prayer is a huge help!So, this morning I did an ab workouk, yoga and went walking/jogging in the rain! If you're from a big city you know how it smells when it rains; not great. It smelled like hot, wet garbage, and it was raining so the concrete is slick, not the most ideal running conditions! Yes, my hair got wet...commitment!

Creating the life that I want for myself and the life you want for you and/or your family takes commitment. I know those first few days you feel like nothing can stop you, but believe me, become tired enough and if nothing else you can stop yourself. Don't be your own worst enemy, be committed to the change you want to make. I'm working on my commitment issues everyday through prayer and the drive to reach my goal. Are you committed?

No Sacrifice, No Victory

"No Sacrifice, No Victory" is a quote that is written on the mirror in my room so I have to look at it everyday. Believe me, there is so much truth in those four little words. OK, you caught me, I got it from one of my favorite movies, Transformers, but the principle is biblical. I was watching the movie one day and I heard "Sam" tell "Optimus", "no sacrifice, no victory" and that stayed with me the entire day. That night I began to ask God why my life was the way it was? I'm 24 and I'm no where near where I want to be in life and I didn't understand why, and those four words were brought back to my remembrance in the middle of my prayer so I asked God to teach me sacrifice. My sister has been talking to me about sacrifice for the longest and I didn't get it, but after that night I declared to God and myself that I would began to sacrifice.

They always say be careful what you wish for because you just might get it, and its true. There were all these things I was asking and seeking God for, on my behalf and for others, and with those things comes sacrifice. I told the Lord I needed more money, well I haven't been granted to opportunity for a better paying job, so I had to start sacrificing some things i wanted, but didn't need. I want to loose weight, well, I had to sacrifice fast food, junk and time so I can get up earlier and workout. I wanted to start reading more, so I had to sacrifice some time that I was out or watching TV and pick up a book. I know some of these thing may sound trivial, but they mean a lot to me.

God made the ultimate sacrifice in allowing His son to be born on this Earth, live a perfect life, but die a cruel death so that we may have the ultimate victory, life with Him.

This about what you want, it could be anything and ask yourself this question: What do I need to sacrifice (maybe not totally give up), but lessen in order to get what I want out of life, school, your job, relationships, etc?

Something Triumphant and Victorious This Way Comes

Lord,

I need to loose weight. I want to be a better person, not for anyone else but for me. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted by what I see. I don’t want to do this because every guy I’ve ever liked has told me they wanted someone that was skinny, athletic of fit. I don’t want to loose weight because of what I see on television or because of what people tell me I should be. I want to do it so I can be a better person, so I can like what I see and not be afraid to look in the mirror. I want to do this for you, God.



I want to feel my self-esteem, not the esteem that others have for me. I want to be confident in your Word and your promises. I know I’m not alone in this. I don’t want to try and loose weight in order to gain approval; I don’t want to feel like I can’t go out and fun because of the way I look. Not everyone will understand. My family doesn’t get it, my friends don’t believe it, but I know I’m not the only person that feels this way. There are thousands if not millions of girls who feel the way the way I do. Let this not only be a goal to reach, but a journey to take. I know this won’t be a journey for me to take alone for I know that it is you alone who gives me strength, determination and motivation to do what my heart is fixed on.



I want to look in the mirror and see what you see, a beautiful God-made image that is one-of-a-kind. I want to teach future generations, like my nieces, they are beautiful and being healthy is not just about being skinny but about taking care of the temple that you have given us rule over while we are here on Earth. They need to know they can be happy and eat what they will without giving their bodies over to diseases that can be so easily prevented. This journey is not just for me, but for others as well. I want your joy and peace to exude through me and the only way others and see you through me is if I am happy with the person I am and am becoming.



This isn’t all about weight loss, but it is the foundation. I want to be able to receive a compliment and trust that it isn’t a lie. When people look at on the street or in my car, I want to believe that they see God in me which makes me a beautiful person and not a spectacle for their entertainment. You have given me the desire to start this journey, give me strength, desire, motivation and endurance to continue and take others with me. I know that weight loss alone won’t make me happy, it’s the transformation from the inside out that will allow for your joy and contentment to flow freely through me.



I don’t need a workout partner because I have the best partner and the ultimate trainer to guide me and cheer me on. Lord, I know you are there for me when people don’t understand. Keep me reminded that this is not strictly for them nor for me, but for us all.

In Jesus name,

Amen.







To everyone that reads this:

I’ve seen people loose weight, not for themselves but for other people and they are miserable. I don’t want to be that person; I don’t want you to be that person. There are programs everywhere to help people with weight loss, but I know where my help comes from. Everyone has a program, but they can’t help me, the ordinary 13-25 year old female that lives with her parents, works a not so great paying job and is looking for her place in the world.



There are projects and programs to build things, clean up areas, add curriculum, renew this refresh that, but what about refreshing the hearts and renewing the minds that have been tormented and broken from words and images that quietly seep into the minds girls and boys, young and old that whispers to them that they’re not good enough, that they have something to prove, not to themselves but to others that unknowingly and knowingly instigate the preposterous accusations that they have to fit into a mold that impossible to fit into. How can you make a square peg fit into a round hole? You don’t! If there are no square holes, make one.



In my case, I am told that I am beautiful everyday, so you can’t blame TV or society. There is no blame to be passed here, but what about those who are not told that they are beautiful, who have to hear it from the television? You may not want or need to loose weight, you may not think you’re smart enough, you’re too short, ugly, skinny or you may just feel ordinary and you let yourself fade into the background praying no one sees you. Make the world see and accept you for who you are!



This is a journey. Read this and feel outraged, angry, sadness, sympathy, but please feel something. Apathy has plagued us for too long. It’s a silent disease that is killing the hearts of God’s children and we don’t even recognize it. Don’t cry for me or for those who wish to join me on the journey of healing and transformation from whatever it is that has weighed them down, cheer us on! This is a journey to help us loose weight, gain weight, build confidence, learn to dance, whatever it is, join me. Let this be a journey of expectancy, growth, setbacks, fear, hope, triumph and ultimately long lasting victory!

More to Life

So, I'm having a tough time at work for all the wrong reasons I'm sure. It's weird working with people that have no real regard for life, theirs or anyone else. I know that its a maturity issue sometimes, but it has to be more than that. I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall on a daily basis, and when I think I've found a way around it, another path to a fulfilled life, I come right back to that brick wall.

In every aspect of life these walls are popping up. But I know I can't be discouraged. Just when I got up the courage to start visiting other churches something (work) gets in the way, but I won't let that stop me, I can't. It's all I have. I walk around like I have something to prove because I do; not just to the world but to myself.

These walls are deadly. It's not just a brick wall, but its covered in plastic, fiber glass and barbed wire with pit bulls standing guard ready to keep me from the next phase of my life. Are these walls a reflection of who I am?

There has to be more to life!

I Lead a Double Life?

so, i guess you can say either i lead a double life or i have huge dreams; i would prefer the latter. i work in retail at the moment and am doing my very best to move up as fast and efficiently as possible.

i had to give up a fashion show i was planning in abilene, tx for an organization (Wishing Well) on ACU's campus, and it feels like i just gave up. i know it was the best think to do at the moment, living in dallas and working full time, but it was not something i wanted to give up. i feel like that was my only connection to doing what i really loved...producing fashion show, creating a different reality for a while, making people feel and look fabulous. i know it was the right decision for this time in my life and the lives of others.

with so much going on in the world, that's how i give. fashion is how i show my support for countries like Haiti and those who are suffering. did i do the right thing? i sure hope so.

Through Time and Space

i used to blog my sophmore year in college and i stopped and not i think its about time that i start all over.

life is a litlle different now that im no longer in a dorm room at ACU, eating on campus and surrounded by friends.

im at a strange place in life; trying to figure out where to go, who to be and who to be it with. hopefully, prayerfully very soon, i'll figure it out...with a little help from my friends.